i have so many questions

about jordan.

this place is so deep, it's unreal. i can feel it. it's bigger than anywhere ive ever been.

i want to know everything. and i want to understand everything. and i want to be able to speak arabic more than ive ever wanted to be able to do anything in my life. i want to read everything ever written in this country. my brain has changed so much already, in 2 weeks, i dont know how ill be able to handle even one month here.

it bothers me when people refer to the middle east, as if it were a homogenous group. as if it were any sort of a logical group at all. really, it bothers me to read most things written about "the middle east". im offended by the essentialism and the assumptions and the judgments. and this was true before i came here, but i now find it intolerable. and i know that im an american and i dont have any idea either, so it's probably hypocritical of me to say, but it's how i feel.

do you know what i find fascinating? the hijaab.

probably... around 90% of the women i see on campus here wear some form of the hijaab. it differs, most wear the tight headscarf that completely hides the hair and neck. some women wear one that covers their entire face except for an eye slit, and some don't wear one at all.

and i like the hijaab. i think its history is interesting, and its significance is important. since meeting all of these beautiful, funny, radiant girls for whom the headscarf is an integral part of their daily lives, ive been performing thought experiments. and ive tried to imagine me, and my life and my identity, and my everything, plus a hijaab.

and i cant.

i felt kind of bad about it. and i wondered if maybe im not as open-minded as i thought, and maybe im secretly really prejudiced, and my western background is further deep in my brain than even i really knew, and blah blah blah. but, having thought about it, i dont think that's the case. as perviously stated, i like the hijaab. and i think that it can be a beautiful thing. i admire the women i know who wear it. they are strong.

but i cant do it. and i dont know what it is about my background, or my experiences (specifically with my lutheran-school background, as well as a certain unhealthy relationship in my recent past), or my brain, or my values, that refuses the hijaab. but for me, a headscarf would feel like an apology- for how i look, and what i am, and who i am. and i know i know i know that for the people who wear it, IT'S NOT. at least for the ones i know, it's a symbol of pride in their heritage, and love for their culture, and commitment to their beliefs. and i think maybe they are much more grown up than i am? but i am what i am. and i refuse ever again to apologize for myself, as i am, here. now.

i wonder what it is about my self-perception that cannot reconcile my identity as a beautiful, powerful woman with a headscarf. that sounds very childish to me. but, for reasons that are obvious to those of you who know my secrets, and probably sound completely ridiculous to those of you who dont, i can't compromise myself. i can't even do anything that looks like im compromising myself. it's maybe something i am overly conscious of or sensitive about, again for obvious reasons. i'll have to think about it. but i'll say it again, i am what i am. i will be what i will be. and that should be good enough, i think.